Communi-cation 101

Why This Matters

​As a counselor, one of the questions I hear most often is:
“How do I talk about hard things without making it worse?”

This post offers guidance for approaching tough conversations in a way that builds understanding, rather than conflict. It’s not about who’s right or wrong—it’s about sharing feelings, listening to the other person’s experience, and negotiating needs with empathy.

One of my favorite resources on this topic is Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. I often tell clients: If I could live fully by that book, I’d never have a conflict again—but I’m far too human for that. Still, when I need to get communication back on track, I come back to the tools I outline here.

A Simple, Powerful Communication Formula
Many people have heard of using “I” statements (e.g., “When you did ___, I felt ___”) to reduce blame and promote ownership. That’s a great starting point, but here’s a refined version I teach to clients that deepens the dialogue and creates space for mutual understanding:

🧩 Communication Formula:
I observe: (describe what happened without judgment)
I feel: (use a specific feeling word—e.g., sad, angry, hurt, overwhelmed)
The story I tell myself is: (acknowledge your interpretation or assumption)
What I wish for is: (name your hope, need, or request)

Example: Workplace Conflict
Let’s walk through a scenario involving a frustrated boss and an overwhelmed employee:

Scenario:
A boss becomes upset when a project isn’t completed the way they expected, or in the timeframe they requested.

✏️ Unproductive Reactions:
Boss (internal dialogue):
“My employees don’t respect me. They never follow through. I’m so done with this.”
Employee (internal dialogue):
“No matter what I do, she nitpicks and micromanages. She must hate my work.”
This kind of internal narrative can escalate tension and erode communication.

✅ Reframed with the Communication Formula:
Boss says:
"I observe that when I assign projects with specific deadlines and instructions, they’re often not completed on time or in the way I asked. I feel frustrated. The story I tell myself is that I’m not being respected as a leader. What I wish for is more consistency in following through and clarity around how we can make that happen."
Employee responds:
"I observe that you’ve assigned several high-priority projects at once, and sometimes we’re pulled in multiple directions. I also observe that I try hard, but may be missing the mark. I feel disheartened. The story I tell myself is that you might be unhappy with me or the team. What I wish for is clearer expectations, and more communication so we can work together to meet them."

Can you feel the difference? Instead of growing more distant or defensive, each person is naming their experience, leaving space for the other person’s reality, and inviting collaboration.

A Note on Boundaries: When Needs Clash
Sometimes, we encounter communication breakdowns where the underlying “need” from the other person is actually unhealthy—such as when someone demands total blame, complete agreement, or emotional caretaking.

This dynamic is often seen in scapegoating, where one person is expected to carry the emotional weight for others.

In those moments, it's okay to say:
“I care about you, but I can’t meet that need. It’s not healthy for me.”
Healthy relationships honor boundaries, including the right to say “no.” You might need time, space, or support to reflect and find your center. Trust your feelings—they hold information about your needs.

Final Thoughts
This model works not just at work, but in relationships of all kinds: family, friendships, partnerships, even with ourselves.

You don’t have to do it perfectly. Just the effort to communicate more consciously can shift a conversation toward connection, even when it's hard.

✨ Try using this formula the next time things feel tense—you may be surprised at how it opens the door to understanding.